sighning... ~~

Hahaha.. feels that lately my mood is just abit "sighning" all d day..

Well.. to be honest, i will say that now, I am at the direction to the "depression" state.

Actually, some of people already told me about how to make a breakthrough, such as I have to ask for a help from others people ( outside of my boss and lab member, since they are not doin this kind of experiment ).. such as the big bos of my faculty, my big boss students, another people who have done such an experiment ( included ones who already published many journal papers ), my neighbour ( who did this kind of experiment in his previous life ), and many kinds of people ( who seem like have an idea.. or so on.. ).

Apart from the idea problem, another problem is the insufficient facility in my lab.. So, in order to survive, I have to beg my big boss.. so that I can borrow their equipment ( just realize that the machine that I usually used.. have a approach, so don't know whether I can use or not.. ).. but.. the bitter story is that.. my big boss machine is always full booked! so.. when can I use that.... T-T
another opinion is to borrow the machine for the CBE prof, called WX, one said that he had a spare machine.. that maybe I can use... ( well.. need to tell my prof about that.. but i don't like meet her ).

But, also aparts from those problems... I have my own personal problem.. i don't know why.. it seems that i already lost my interest in this field, i don't care what happen anymore, i really2 don't care!! I just want to get out from this lab, and find my new life outside, other than doin research.
Some people told me that maybe I just in my depression state.. it seems that I have to get out for a while, out of this work.. I should take a refreshing.. and maybe someday, I will fell that I have many ideas to be realized, and I can find the proper method how to do the experiments.

Yeah.. I trully hope so.. because I also hate myself when I am in this kind of emotional state..
Somehow, I can't enjoy my life outside of my work. ( maybe because I already spend all of my energy procrasinating of my work ).. so when I come back, sometimes I will just keep idling in front of my computer..

*crap* based on my state now.. one wish that I want..
"I just want to quit and get out from this hell rite now"
=="

not significant.. not detail.. haizzz....

*crap* this 3 words made my whole day totally stressful.
today.. had meeting with my boss.. firstly I thought that I had a "little" good result.. but it was a preliminary data, since my set up just finished at 16 june evening.. and now.. it's 24! hello.. just 7 days left, minus 2 days week end, and today for meeting, so left 4 working days.. what significant datas did you expect??

En.. seems like that I wouldn't repost the activity that I did in the other days.. ( between 8-15 june, minus 2 weekends, means 6 days )

1. "thylakoid isolation" --> no need to report. just to make sure that this protocol worked before I handed them to MSE side.
2. "thylakoid immobilization using agar" --> failed. the agar dissolved perfectly in water..
3. "chloroplast immobilization using glutaraldehyde" --> well.. the glutaraldehyde liquidized after I took them out of thr fridge after 10 mnts... seems like the previous experiments with mis-calculating chemical compositions worked better compare to the real protocol
4. "thylakoid photocurrent behaviour" --> 1 out of 2 experiments shows a "little" good result in term of on-0ff.. but the voltage dropped over the time.. very2 not stable.. and the datas only took by using multimeter over the time ( minutes ), feelin that it was also not a good result to show.

at 16 june, occupied all my time from 10 to 7 at the lab *sample preparation*, and MSE *conductance reading*

at 17, testing the device, took old samples from MSE, no result

at 18, get a new samples, testing device.. and get a little "good" result * well.. in my opinion only actually.. my boss told that the results were already predicted, and it showed just a preliminary data.. with no significant result.. and no understandable reason why I do that. the actual reason why I did that was because you asked me to do! I was still thinking.. why I did that..*

*19-20 week end..*

at 21, machine booked all the day. Trying an algae extraction method according to my friend's protocol, it worked better compare to my old one. Testing the activity, compute the data.
*feel a little bit satisfied with this result actually.. but still crap according to....*

at 22, machine still booked. Got the email from MSE about the datas, understanding.. compiling the data and picture.. wrote a short report.. * good according to me.. but crap according to my boss * made an outline for result part from my old results.. think some modification and experimental repetation that I should do, because several techniques changes that I did, before it handed out to the school..

at 23, do some experiments.. compiling the datas.. got the email from bos, ask for meeting tomorrow..

at 24, this is my *crap* day!
well.. actually some of them might be my fault, I still didn't understand the basic idea why I did that, and didn't ask about the detail procedure, since I thought that it was still a preliminary datas.. but.. *sigh* my bos didn't like that answer..

like the result with MSE, she said that I still did not consider the detail, if I still don't understand.. how can I defend myself when I face my qualification exam later.. but I think that since it was still a preliminary data.. I will ask the detail after I feel that this result will be shown at my exam..

and for my own result.. well.. since actually some parts I was still wondering.. I still don't get the perfect idea.. so somehow, I just did what my boss told me.. *concentration differences, and I-V curve* but in the end.. yaa.. she asked me the detail.. but since I still can't explain and interpretating, I truthfully answered that "I still don't know.." and then.........

- the dreadful day started from this point -
--"

girl traps in woman body

Just a sharing feelin and thought about the little girl who traps in the woman body..

Let me start with the characteristic of little girls:
1. they just want to be happy
2. they just like to laugh, without thinking anything hard and difficult
3. once they want somethin, they will try to get them, with several efforts.. the examples of the efforts are: cry, upset, angry, refuse to talk, etc
4. they just think bout they like, sometimes not think about the others
5. they just have a short thinking, no future thought at all.
6. they usually don't like to do the hard work, they like to have anything simple, well prepared, and want to be treated as a "little princess"
7. they think the world as a heaven. no worries.. no problem..

And now, some characteristic of women:
1. they are mature, able to face the real world
2. loving character, able to understand others' feeling
3. they think about their future, how they will do, their purpose, have efforts in order to achieve their goal
4. they are able to widely accept the criticism and opinions from others, without defending first, think about what is the meaning of those, and accept when those things are right.
5. when they are facing an obstacle, they will facing it, not running away from it.
6. they will not only think about their own self. they will also think bout the others first, without making a judgement

well.. maybe not all of those criterias are present in the girls or women characteristic. but those are just some of, which are appearing in my mind right now..
And after I think, ponder, and calculating, I just realize

"Hey! why are only the girls points in my self?? Where is my women parts?"

Like what I have written, as a women, I have to able to face the real world. But, in reality, I am afraid to face the life problems. I just want to be happy. I seldom just act based on what I think that's right, sometimes unconsciously without thinking of others feeling. I am a stubborn person, hard for me to sometimes accept other thought, and sometimes, I just think that 'hey, mine is better than yours", and one big problem is just, I just think in the short term, I never thought what I will be in the future at all *goshh.. I have to redirect my purpose back on the right track*

Think back about this sentence:
"Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional"
Well.. I have to admit.. that maybe I am one of that case.. it seems like that I am just a little girl mind that is trapped at the woman body. This year I might be 24 years already, in physic, but in mind, maybe it will be just a 12 years.. or 15 years.. or 17 years old girl..
Oh my.. I have to growing up, to be able to survive and life in the right age.. T-T

exam allergic?

huff.. setelah wonder.. knp akhir2 ini alergi ku sering kumat..

ditandai dengan badan terasa panas, timbul bintik2 merah di tangan, kaki, dan wajah yg mirip kaya di gigit nyamuk --" ( yg skarang jadi makin parah, kayanya gara2 salah minum obat ato salah dosis obat yg diminum kmrn ya.. hikz2.. )

alergi ini tidak berbahaya, tp sangat mengganggu!! 

bisa kumat sewaktu2 di setiap saat.. dan berakibat pada penurunan nilai estetika dan hilang nya kepercayaan diri untuk nongol di muka umum --" 

nb. based on my true story, alergi ku kumat, di saat aku harus presentasi project di depan orang2.. ga bisa kebayang apa yg ada di pikiran mereka, "ini muka nya knp ya? koq pada bengkak merah2 gt semua" T.T

dan karena terlalu penasarannya.. hari ini mencari2 apa kira2 sebab alergi ini dan cara mengatasinya dengan bantuan "Om Google", and these are the results:

1. alergi ini dikenal dengan nama "hives", muncul dengan tanda2 seperti gatel2 digigit nyamuk

2. penyebab alergi nya bisa bervariasi

- mediacation failure 

- food alergic

- insects sting

- pollen / mold ?? 

- environment ( extreme cold / hot condition )

- phisical emotion ( stress )

- exercise, sweat, too tight clothes 

- unwell phisical condition

3. cara mengatasi

- dengan mencari cara bagaimana cara menghindari penyebab alergi itu

- klo uda ekstrim, minum obat, tp hati2, tar klo salah, mala bisa jadi faktor penyebab alergi     yg pertama --" --> seems like, this is what happen to me today.. oh my..

- perbaikan pola hidup dan pola makan --> karena hives jg bisa disebabkan karena kurang normal nya organ2 dalam tubuh untuk melawan racun, sehingga racun timbul dlm bentuk ruam2 merah di kulit, klo kurang tidur kn liver nya ga bekerja baik.. jadi susa nawar racun..

- ada yg bilang makan pepaya ama wortel bagus buat mencegah

- klo uda parah.. apa maw dikata.. let's go to doctor >.<

4. efek samping

- merusak estetika diri ( bayangin jadi bentol2 merah ga karuan gt )

- merusak kepercayaan diri ( mana ada orang yg pede muncul di muka umum )

- merusak jadwal acara ( batalin semua acara.. daripada dipandang orang aneh gara2 2 efek    samping di atas ;p )

dan mari skarang dipikirkan lagi.. knp bisa penulis memberi nama sebagai exam allergic? ^^

mari dilihat dari point di atas:

1. stress 

- hohoho.. kurasa pasti semua exam student merasakan sindrom yg satu ini.. no need to be discussed :p

2. pola hidup yg tidak teratur

- klo lagi exam.. apalagi yg sistem nya SKS ( sistem kebut semalam ) kaya saya ini.. --" pasti memilih begadang H-1, kli2 kondisi mendesak.. bisalah kluar ilmu2 laen yg mempercepat proses penyerapan bahan 

3. kondisi badan ga sehat

- ya.. maklum la.. namanya jg ujian.. kebanyaken begadang.. pasti gampang sakit..

karena.. entah kebetulan.. ato kaga..

tp yg jelas, hives ku mulai muncul kembali sejak minggu trakir sbln exam week.. >.<

jadi.. bisakah consider itu merupakan sebuah exam allergic?

hahahaha ^^

cheers,

Leenz ^^

researcher = being stupid??

hahaha...

hari ini aku dapet email yg seperti nya.. umm.. ckp menarik :P

di sana disebut bahwa being a researcher = being stupid

knp bisa begitu?

based on what I got in that article, this is what I get:

1. orang bodoh melakukan hal yg bln tentu ada jawaban nya 

- knp researcher bisa dikatakan bodoh? karena dia mencari sesuatu yg bln ada kepastian nya.. iya klo hasil research nya berhasil.. klo sampe gagal? brarti dia membuang waktu untuk melakukan hal sia2.. dan bisa dikatakan kebodohan tahap 1 :p

2. mencari2 perkara yg membuat dirinya merasa bodoh

- semakin seseorang mempunyai rasa penasaran akan suatu hal.. pasti dia ingin mencari jawabannya.. dan dia berusaha bertanya orang2 yg lebi ahli (rekan2 PhD, post-doc, proff, big proff, dll) akan tetapi jawaban nya selalu valid "I don't know, that'w why the researchs are for, you need to find the answer of something that hasn't been discovered"

dan setelah jungkir balik, muter2 tujuh keliling, sampe otak panas, badan panas dingin, dan berbagai reaksi lainnya.. akhirnya keluarlah kata dahsyat itu "I succeed ^^ " 

boleh lah berbahagia.. tp cm sejenak.. karena begitulah ritme kehidupan seorang researcher, apalagi PhD, apabila suatu research berhasil.. pasti akan ada next step kedua, ketiga, keempat, dll.. yg menuntut dia mengulang2 pola pikir seperti itu.. 

ini dikatakan kebodohan tahap 2, karena uda tau puyenk2, masi aja diulang2 ^^

3. apabila uda stuck

- apabila seorang researcher merasa sudah stuck dengan research nya.. pasti terkadang terpikir di dalam otak nya 

"How can I am being so stupid like this! can't understand and solve this matter"

bisa dibilang.. ini kebodohan tahap 3..  ;p 

cm at least yg ini nyadar sendiri.. hahaha.. ^^

4. pandangan orang laen

-umm.. klo yg ini mungkin bkn dikatakan menjadi orang bodoh.. tp dipandang orang2 sebagai orang "bodoh dan aneh" karena masalah2 kecil yg kayanya simple aja dipikir berbelit2..

simple case study (based on true story.. ^^) buat yg merasa story nya diambil, penulis hanya bisa mengucapkan terima kasih, telah menyumbang ide secara ga langsung.. hahaha

study: knp kalo hujan, air di reservoar danau naik?

+orang laen berpikir "ini karena ujan, jadi volume air nya naik " --> simple explanation, standard, ga berbeli2 dan gampang dimengerti

+seorang researcher sejati berpikir "ini karena klo ada hujan, ganggang2 yg ada di danau akan mengalami (bahasa dewa) yg mengakibatkan (bahasa gaib), selain itu adanya berbagai mikroorganisme lain yang (bahasa planet, alam lain, dll)" --> hard explanation, sangat berbelit2 sampe melilit

so, bisa dilihat kn? klo orang yg bkn berjiwa researcher, pasti mikir 'ih, ni orang ngapain si, ga penting banget', anehh... ( in this case, I consider weird = being judged as a stupid person )

so.. menyumbang angka buat kebodohan tahap 4 ^^

jadi.. berdasarkan poin2 di atas.. setujukah anda semua klo researcher = a stupid person who is always want to look for things that can make him/her becomes more and more thought/feel as a stupid person? 

hahahaha.. ^^

ps. note di atas bukan lah memojokkan ato menghina para researcher.. tp ini hanya merupakan something yg didapat penulis setelah membaca article itu..

dan karena penulis jg merupakan salah satu bagian dari "calon researcher"... jadi... ya....  gt d.. terserah kalian2 pada maw komentar apa.. penulis diem aha d.. hahhaha.. :p

cheers,

leenz ^^

a beginning of my blog

haha.. since it is my first writting in this blog 

I have forgotten my user name in my previous blog.. so I think that I need to "merelakan" blog itu pergi..

this blog is just a simple writting..

Maybe I will write what unique things that have been done in my life..

or maybe if I have some inspirations.. hehe.. gonna put it in this blog also..

so, cheers..

herlina

:P