Hahaha.. feels that lately my mood is just abit "sighning" all d day..
Well.. to be honest, i will say that now, I am at the direction to the "depression" state.
Actually, some of people already told me about how to make a breakthrough, such as I have to ask for a help from others people ( outside of my boss and lab member, since they are not doin this kind of experiment ).. such as the big bos of my faculty, my big boss students, another people who have done such an experiment ( included ones who already published many journal papers ), my neighbour ( who did this kind of experiment in his previous life ), and many kinds of people ( who seem like have an idea.. or so on.. ).
Apart from the idea problem, another problem is the insufficient facility in my lab.. So, in order to survive, I have to beg my big boss.. so that I can borrow their equipment ( just realize that the machine that I usually used.. have a approach, so don't know whether I can use or not.. ).. but.. the bitter story is that.. my big boss machine is always full booked! so.. when can I use that.... T-T
another opinion is to borrow the machine for the CBE prof, called WX, one said that he had a spare machine.. that maybe I can use... ( well.. need to tell my prof about that.. but i don't like meet her ).
But, also aparts from those problems... I have my own personal problem.. i don't know why.. it seems that i already lost my interest in this field, i don't care what happen anymore, i really2 don't care!! I just want to get out from this lab, and find my new life outside, other than doin research.
Some people told me that maybe I just in my depression state.. it seems that I have to get out for a while, out of this work.. I should take a refreshing.. and maybe someday, I will fell that I have many ideas to be realized, and I can find the proper method how to do the experiments.
Yeah.. I trully hope so.. because I also hate myself when I am in this kind of emotional state..
Somehow, I can't enjoy my life outside of my work. ( maybe because I already spend all of my energy procrasinating of my work ).. so when I come back, sometimes I will just keep idling in front of my computer..
*crap* based on my state now.. one wish that I want..
"I just want to quit and get out from this hell rite now"
=="
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
not significant.. not detail.. haizzz....
*crap* this 3 words made my whole day totally stressful.
today.. had meeting with my boss.. firstly I thought that I had a "little" good result.. but it was a preliminary data, since my set up just finished at 16 june evening.. and now.. it's 24! hello.. just 7 days left, minus 2 days week end, and today for meeting, so left 4 working days.. what significant datas did you expect??
En.. seems like that I wouldn't repost the activity that I did in the other days.. ( between 8-15 june, minus 2 weekends, means 6 days )
1. "thylakoid isolation" --> no need to report. just to make sure that this protocol worked before I handed them to MSE side.
2. "thylakoid immobilization using agar" --> failed. the agar dissolved perfectly in water..
3. "chloroplast immobilization using glutaraldehyde" --> well.. the glutaraldehyde liquidized after I took them out of thr fridge after 10 mnts... seems like the previous experiments with mis-calculating chemical compositions worked better compare to the real protocol
4. "thylakoid photocurrent behaviour" --> 1 out of 2 experiments shows a "little" good result in term of on-0ff.. but the voltage dropped over the time.. very2 not stable.. and the datas only took by using multimeter over the time ( minutes ), feelin that it was also not a good result to show.
at 16 june, occupied all my time from 10 to 7 at the lab *sample preparation*, and MSE *conductance reading*
at 17, testing the device, took old samples from MSE, no result
at 18, get a new samples, testing device.. and get a little "good" result * well.. in my opinion only actually.. my boss told that the results were already predicted, and it showed just a preliminary data.. with no significant result.. and no understandable reason why I do that. the actual reason why I did that was because you asked me to do! I was still thinking.. why I did that..*
*19-20 week end..*
at 21, machine booked all the day. Trying an algae extraction method according to my friend's protocol, it worked better compare to my old one. Testing the activity, compute the data.
*feel a little bit satisfied with this result actually.. but still crap according to....*
at 22, machine still booked. Got the email from MSE about the datas, understanding.. compiling the data and picture.. wrote a short report.. * good according to me.. but crap according to my boss * made an outline for result part from my old results.. think some modification and experimental repetation that I should do, because several techniques changes that I did, before it handed out to the school..
at 23, do some experiments.. compiling the datas.. got the email from bos, ask for meeting tomorrow..
at 24, this is my *crap* day!
well.. actually some of them might be my fault, I still didn't understand the basic idea why I did that, and didn't ask about the detail procedure, since I thought that it was still a preliminary datas.. but.. *sigh* my bos didn't like that answer..
like the result with MSE, she said that I still did not consider the detail, if I still don't understand.. how can I defend myself when I face my qualification exam later.. but I think that since it was still a preliminary data.. I will ask the detail after I feel that this result will be shown at my exam..
and for my own result.. well.. since actually some parts I was still wondering.. I still don't get the perfect idea.. so somehow, I just did what my boss told me.. *concentration differences, and I-V curve* but in the end.. yaa.. she asked me the detail.. but since I still can't explain and interpretating, I truthfully answered that "I still don't know.." and then.........
- the dreadful day started from this point -
--"
today.. had meeting with my boss.. firstly I thought that I had a "little" good result.. but it was a preliminary data, since my set up just finished at 16 june evening.. and now.. it's 24! hello.. just 7 days left, minus 2 days week end, and today for meeting, so left 4 working days.. what significant datas did you expect??
En.. seems like that I wouldn't repost the activity that I did in the other days.. ( between 8-15 june, minus 2 weekends, means 6 days )
1. "thylakoid isolation" --> no need to report. just to make sure that this protocol worked before I handed them to MSE side.
2. "thylakoid immobilization using agar" --> failed. the agar dissolved perfectly in water..
3. "chloroplast immobilization using glutaraldehyde" --> well.. the glutaraldehyde liquidized after I took them out of thr fridge after 10 mnts... seems like the previous experiments with mis-calculating chemical compositions worked better compare to the real protocol
4. "thylakoid photocurrent behaviour" --> 1 out of 2 experiments shows a "little" good result in term of on-0ff.. but the voltage dropped over the time.. very2 not stable.. and the datas only took by using multimeter over the time ( minutes ), feelin that it was also not a good result to show.
at 16 june, occupied all my time from 10 to 7 at the lab *sample preparation*, and MSE *conductance reading*
at 17, testing the device, took old samples from MSE, no result
at 18, get a new samples, testing device.. and get a little "good" result * well.. in my opinion only actually.. my boss told that the results were already predicted, and it showed just a preliminary data.. with no significant result.. and no understandable reason why I do that. the actual reason why I did that was because you asked me to do! I was still thinking.. why I did that..*
*19-20 week end..*
at 21, machine booked all the day. Trying an algae extraction method according to my friend's protocol, it worked better compare to my old one. Testing the activity, compute the data.
*feel a little bit satisfied with this result actually.. but still crap according to....*
at 22, machine still booked. Got the email from MSE about the datas, understanding.. compiling the data and picture.. wrote a short report.. * good according to me.. but crap according to my boss * made an outline for result part from my old results.. think some modification and experimental repetation that I should do, because several techniques changes that I did, before it handed out to the school..
at 23, do some experiments.. compiling the datas.. got the email from bos, ask for meeting tomorrow..
at 24, this is my *crap* day!
well.. actually some of them might be my fault, I still didn't understand the basic idea why I did that, and didn't ask about the detail procedure, since I thought that it was still a preliminary datas.. but.. *sigh* my bos didn't like that answer..
like the result with MSE, she said that I still did not consider the detail, if I still don't understand.. how can I defend myself when I face my qualification exam later.. but I think that since it was still a preliminary data.. I will ask the detail after I feel that this result will be shown at my exam..
and for my own result.. well.. since actually some parts I was still wondering.. I still don't get the perfect idea.. so somehow, I just did what my boss told me.. *concentration differences, and I-V curve* but in the end.. yaa.. she asked me the detail.. but since I still can't explain and interpretating, I truthfully answered that "I still don't know.." and then.........
- the dreadful day started from this point -
--"
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
girl traps in woman body
Just a sharing feelin and thought about the little girl who traps in the woman body..
Let me start with the characteristic of little girls:
1. they just want to be happy
2. they just like to laugh, without thinking anything hard and difficult
3. once they want somethin, they will try to get them, with several efforts.. the examples of the efforts are: cry, upset, angry, refuse to talk, etc
4. they just think bout they like, sometimes not think about the others
5. they just have a short thinking, no future thought at all.
6. they usually don't like to do the hard work, they like to have anything simple, well prepared, and want to be treated as a "little princess"
7. they think the world as a heaven. no worries.. no problem..
And now, some characteristic of women:
1. they are mature, able to face the real world
2. loving character, able to understand others' feeling
3. they think about their future, how they will do, their purpose, have efforts in order to achieve their goal
4. they are able to widely accept the criticism and opinions from others, without defending first, think about what is the meaning of those, and accept when those things are right.
5. when they are facing an obstacle, they will facing it, not running away from it.
6. they will not only think about their own self. they will also think bout the others first, without making a judgement
well.. maybe not all of those criterias are present in the girls or women characteristic. but those are just some of, which are appearing in my mind right now..
And after I think, ponder, and calculating, I just realize
"Hey! why are only the girls points in my self?? Where is my women parts?"
Like what I have written, as a women, I have to able to face the real world. But, in reality, I am afraid to face the life problems. I just want to be happy. I seldom just act based on what I think that's right, sometimes unconsciously without thinking of others feeling. I am a stubborn person, hard for me to sometimes accept other thought, and sometimes, I just think that 'hey, mine is better than yours", and one big problem is just, I just think in the short term, I never thought what I will be in the future at all *goshh.. I have to redirect my purpose back on the right track*
Think back about this sentence:
"Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional"
Well.. I have to admit.. that maybe I am one of that case.. it seems like that I am just a little girl mind that is trapped at the woman body. This year I might be 24 years already, in physic, but in mind, maybe it will be just a 12 years.. or 15 years.. or 17 years old girl..
Oh my.. I have to growing up, to be able to survive and life in the right age.. T-T
Let me start with the characteristic of little girls:
1. they just want to be happy
2. they just like to laugh, without thinking anything hard and difficult
3. once they want somethin, they will try to get them, with several efforts.. the examples of the efforts are: cry, upset, angry, refuse to talk, etc
4. they just think bout they like, sometimes not think about the others
5. they just have a short thinking, no future thought at all.
6. they usually don't like to do the hard work, they like to have anything simple, well prepared, and want to be treated as a "little princess"
7. they think the world as a heaven. no worries.. no problem..
And now, some characteristic of women:
1. they are mature, able to face the real world
2. loving character, able to understand others' feeling
3. they think about their future, how they will do, their purpose, have efforts in order to achieve their goal
4. they are able to widely accept the criticism and opinions from others, without defending first, think about what is the meaning of those, and accept when those things are right.
5. when they are facing an obstacle, they will facing it, not running away from it.
6. they will not only think about their own self. they will also think bout the others first, without making a judgement
well.. maybe not all of those criterias are present in the girls or women characteristic. but those are just some of, which are appearing in my mind right now..
And after I think, ponder, and calculating, I just realize
"Hey! why are only the girls points in my self?? Where is my women parts?"
Like what I have written, as a women, I have to able to face the real world. But, in reality, I am afraid to face the life problems. I just want to be happy. I seldom just act based on what I think that's right, sometimes unconsciously without thinking of others feeling. I am a stubborn person, hard for me to sometimes accept other thought, and sometimes, I just think that 'hey, mine is better than yours", and one big problem is just, I just think in the short term, I never thought what I will be in the future at all *goshh.. I have to redirect my purpose back on the right track*
Think back about this sentence:
"Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional"
Well.. I have to admit.. that maybe I am one of that case.. it seems like that I am just a little girl mind that is trapped at the woman body. This year I might be 24 years already, in physic, but in mind, maybe it will be just a 12 years.. or 15 years.. or 17 years old girl..
Oh my.. I have to growing up, to be able to survive and life in the right age.. T-T
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